Ever wonder why the voting age in the United States is 18? From a parenting perspective, it is simple: Your child, no matter how brilliant you think he or she is, makes decisions based on his or her personal greater good.
Children will not take into account what is good for the family, let alone what will work well for you, the parent. Decision-making skills are learned and earned. Children aren’t born with good skills. They are born with an uncanny ability to survive and thrive – with your help, of course! They are born with one-sided negotiations skills. Don’t believe me? Let’s travel down memory lane…
You got home with that beautiful bundle of joy, he was soooo quiet and good in the hospital. All of sudden a cute whimper has turned into a banshee wail! You have tried everything. Feeding him, changing him, taking his clothes off, putting his clothes back on! You’ve played pass the baby, rock the baby, did a dance that you just made up! Why? Because your baby was crying and you wanted/needed him to stop. You begin to feel like a failure. Minutes later, a loud explosive vibratory burp from his bottom!! He smiles that angelic smile that is between him and the angels that says “I did it!” and falls asleep. You never imagined that you would be turned upside down and inside out like this and begin to realize…this is only the beginning.
If you have found yourself in the situation that you have given your child their voting cards and privileges too soon, how do you take it back?
One option is to destroy the card and never give it back! It’s a little drastic, but effective. I encourage a calmer approach. Take the voting card away and teach your child how to make better choices. Choices help govern consequences. How can we as parents expect a child to know something if we haven’t taught them? Many of us struggle with decision making, so how do we teach our children to become skilled decision makers?
It begins by providing age-appropriate choosing opportunities. Give your children choices but with age-appropriate boundaries. “Do A or not to do A” is a great place to start.
Have you ever wondered why you feel like your child is leading your home and you are just the hired helped (i.e. babysitter)? Parenting is all about options. If you want a different behavior than what you are experiencing currently from your child, then you have to try another parenting option. You, as the parent, should provide direction for your children…setting up road blocks and detours as needed for your family to stay on course. My mantra: Children have a right to their opinion, but you can’t vote in this country till you are 18!
So, getting back to “Do A or not to do A,” each option has a consequence. Do A and the consequence is celebration and peace. Not to do A and someone will be uncomfortable, preferably, parents – this should be your child not you.
As children get older and better at making choices and considering consequences, more options can be given. Keep the following in mind when giving options to your children:
- KISS- Keep It Simple, Silly! This especially applies to children ages 1-4. The more choices you give this age group, the more challenges, the more frustration and the more chaos everyone experiences. Have you tried having a rational conversation with a 2-year-old? It’s like talking on the phone to someone and the mute button is on – but you don’t know it!
- Talk/Teach decision making skills, specifically with older children in your family. If teens are not making the decisions that make you feel comfortable, how about making them uncomfortable by taking some of their options away? Teenagers are not motivated by consequences and outcomes, thus the bravado “It’s not going to happen to me!” Talk through everyday scenarios and options that are available. Show them how to choose options that will lead to the more desired consequences. Until they show more competence in better decision making, they have less freedom to make decisions.
Put the work in, parent. You will be glad you did!
My fellow parent(s) – you are doing an amazing job! Keep it up…your kids are worth it and your relationship with them can only become more amazing!
Till next time…Dr. D
Your personal parent trainer
Dr. D. The Parent Trainer 