Dear Dr. D.: Sibling rivalry is at an all-time high in my home. The hitting, biting and yelling is constant. How can I encourage love among my kids and not frustration?
I am getting ready to coach myself as I address this situation. The term sibling rivalry establishes a winner and a loser. I don’t promote this because in a family unit, if one person loses, the whole family all loses. Instead, I encourage teaching sibling negotiations. The ultimate way to teach this begins with how parents handle disagreements with one another or with other adults in the child’s life. I often tell my children, “You don’t have to argue if you know you are right.” It’s not very effective if/when I argue with my husband over something small and minute (ouch…that hurts!). However, the reality is…children learn by observation as well as illustration. It is truly a do as I do, not as I say situation.
Here are my recommendations:
Set immediate rules. First, no yelling at one another or in the house, only when there is danger. Second, no child is to hit, bite, scratch or physically assault one another. Be clear with your children that the only time they can put a hand on the other sibling is with permission from the other sibling and only in play or showing affection. Be ready to reinforce this rule with immediate consequences.
When there is an argument, separate the children. Place them in separate locations in the home and implement a talking time-out, which means not only can they not be around one another (separate rooms) but they also cannot talk to each other because they were using their words irresponsibly.
Be clear, immediate about consequences/rewards. Plan in advance what privileges your child will lose because of his/her behavior (no video games, not TV, etc.). To control your yelling, have a spray bottle of cold water handy to spray the children to get there attention and hopefully make them laugh or at least forget how upset they may be at one another. For rewards, create a point system, so when they are caught demonstrating good behavior, they can “purchase” an experience like a trip to the movies or a special dessert.
With a little practice, sibling negotiations can become a permanent part of your family dynamics.
Enjoy the parenting journey…
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Dr. D. The Parent Trainer 