Author: Tamara Dickerson, M.D.

Welcome to my answer to a parenting housecall! I am a practicing pediatrician who has been asked on many occasions to come home with my families. I have been offered wallets (full of credit cards and checks-hehehe!) and even the invitation to, “please take my child for weekend”! Here is my 21st century version of a house call. This will be as close as I will get to most of you in going home with you. My dream is to provide you some practical and humorous tips to make your parenting journey appear more successful and definitely more enjoyable. Wisdom Moments is a resource that offers help in those moments when you feel like you are not leading the battle, let alone winning it. In those moments when you just need a little creativity but keep coming up with a blank. When those big ole’ eyes of your child are looking up at you , challenging – are you ready for this?! Instead of gulping and waving the white flag…drop by here for a little bit of parenting encouragement/reinforcement. Despite the humor I use to share my message, I want to reassure you have heard each request and take them very seriously. What I bring to the table is not only my credentials as an accredited pediatrician, but just as validating is that I, too, am a fellow parent in the trenches with you! So what I have to offer you, I pray, is creative, effective and grounded in truth and reality. This blog will become my way, for now, to be more available to you and to share my parenting pearls. So…a toast to christen this maiden voyage “May we laugh and cry together…may we agree and disagree…may we always encourage each other that our children are worth climbing every mountain, scouring every valley, crossing any desert – to find a parenting pearl that will positively change a course of action for us and them”.

Parenting vs Bullying

Posted on by Tamara Dickerson, M.D.

bullying photoI honestly have to share, initially, when this comparison came across my heart, I was startled.  As a parent and pediatrician, bullying behavior is unacceptable and requires an immediate teaching and redirecting moment when seen in our children.

This comparison startled me because I had to consider bullying as a parenting technique that is real and used by many of us rather intentionally or unintentionally. If we as parents are making fun of kids when they make an honest mistake, it might feel like bullying to them.  If we make it uncomfortable for them to ask a question, by calling them names other than their name, it might feel like bullying to them.  If we forget as parents, that we have lived longer than our children and have more life experience; then remind them of their wrong decisions over and over and over again…it might feel like bullying to them.

It is bullying if your thought of “this will be funny” is more important than how your child will feel if you say what you want to say…how you want to say it.  As a parent who is trying to do it differently, remember that “bullying” starts at home.  Typically it is modeled in sibling interactions when they are making fun of one another. It starts as innocent teasing but when the reaction of making others uncomfortable brings joy and entertainment, it has crossed over into bullying.

I’m encouraging us as parents to start listening to ourselves and our children.  Let’s not just give excuses such as “boys will be boys” or “sibling rivalry, it’s supposed to be like this” or “they are just words…words don’t hurt” or “toughen up…your skin is too thin”.  Teaching and reminding family members that we have to be responsible for our words and the hurt or the healing they may cause…This is how we can break the cycle of bullying…

My fellow parent(s) – you are doing an amazing job!  Keep it up…your kids are worth it and your relationship with them can only become more amazing!

Till next time…Dr. D

Your personal parent trainer

Voting Rights…Not until the age of 18!

Posted on by Tamara Dickerson, M.D.

Ever wonder why the voting age in the United States is 18? From a parenting perspective, it is simple: Your child, no matter how brilliant you think he or she is, makes decisions based on his or her personal greater good.

Children will not take into account what is good for the family, let alone what will work well for you, the parent. Decision-making skills are learned and earned. Children aren’t born with good skills. They are born with an uncanny ability to survive and thrive – with your help, of course!  They are born with one-sided negotiations skills. Don’t believe me?  Let’s travel down memory lane…

You got home with that beautiful bundle of joy, he was soooo quiet and good in the hospital. All of sudden a cute whimper has turned into a banshee wail! You have tried everything. Feeding him, changing him, taking his clothes off, putting his clothes back on! You’ve played pass the baby, rock the baby, did a dance that you just made up! Why? Because your baby was crying and you wanted/needed him to stop. You begin to feel like a failure. Minutes later, a loud explosive vibratory burp from his bottom!! He smiles that angelic smile that is between him and the angels that says “I did it!” and falls asleep. You never imagined that you would be turned upside down and inside out like this and begin to realize…this is only the beginning.

If you have found yourself in the situation that you have given your child their voting cards and privileges too soon, how do you take it back?

One option is to destroy the card and never give it back! It’s a little drastic, but effective. I encourage a calmer approach. Take the voting card away and teach your child how to make better choices. Choices help govern consequences. How can we as parents expect a child to know something if we haven’t taught them?  Many of us struggle with decision making, so how do we teach our children to become skilled decision makers?

It begins by providing age-appropriate choosing opportunities. Give your children choices but with age-appropriate boundaries. “Do A or not to do A” is a great place to start.

Have you ever wondered why you feel like your child is leading your home and you are just the hired helped (i.e. babysitter)?   Parenting is all about options. If you want a different behavior than what you are experiencing currently from your child, then you have to try another parenting option.  You, as the parent, should provide direction for your children…setting up road blocks and detours as needed for your family to stay on course.  My mantra: Children have a right to their opinion, but you can’t vote in this country till you are 18!

So, getting back to “Do A or not to do A,” each option has a consequence.  Do A and the consequence is celebration and peace. Not to do A and someone will be uncomfortable, preferably, parents – this should be your child not you.

As children get older and better at making choices and considering consequences, more options can be given. Keep the following in mind when giving options to your children:

  • KISS- Keep It Simple, Silly! This especially applies to children ages 1-4. The more choices you give this age group, the more challenges, the more frustration and the more chaos everyone experiences. Have you tried having a rational conversation with a 2-year-old?  It’s like talking on the phone to someone and the mute button is on – but you don’t know it!
  • Talk/Teach decision making skills, specifically with older children in your family. If teens are not making the decisions that make you feel comfortable, how about making them uncomfortable by taking some of their options away? Teenagers are not motivated by consequences and outcomes, thus the bravado “It’s not going to happen to me!” Talk through everyday scenarios and options that are available. Show them how to choose options that will lead to the more desired consequences. Until they show more competence in better decision making, they have less freedom to make decisions.

Put the work in, parent. You will be glad you did!

My fellow parent(s) – you are doing an amazing job!  Keep it up…your kids are worth it and your relationship with them can only become more amazing! 

Till next time…Dr. D

Your personal parent trainer

Cucumber or Pickle? The choice is yours

Posted on by Tamara Dickerson, M.D.

Are you a cucumber or are you a pickle?

Yup, you read it right!  What’s the difference between a cucumber and a pickle?  It’s environment!  Just in case you did not know, pickles are cucumbers first.  Pickling is a process that requires denaturation, otherwise known as a breaking down process of its natural chemical makeup.  Once a cucumber has become a pickle, there is no turning back!  The great news today is that in our parenting, we have the opportunity to go from pickle to cucumber again and again and again.  The quest in our parenting journey is getting back to that cucumber state faster and spending as little time as possible as a pickle!

In our parenting adventure, I believe we all begin as cucumbers.  Nice and crunchy, full of natural flavor and anticipation of an amazing experience.  Along the way, we seem to succumb to choices and influences that either encourage us to maintain our natural crunchiness or we get pickled!

Not quite following the analogy? Imagine you are waking in the morning.  You are up before everyone else.  It is totally quiet!  You stretch and breathe and maybe even smile to yourself – this is going to be a great day!  Then it hits you…you slept through the alarm!  Your oldest child has 30 minutes before the bus comes – and she is NOT a morning person, sometimes you honestly wonder to yourself – monster or miracle?  It usually takes her 30 minutes to wake up!  Your middle child always wakes up on level 10, creating chaos and leaving destruction in his wake.  Your youngest two haven’t committed to a routine yet- so it’s a surprise every morning.

Here it is your moment of decision…cucumber or pickle. Which will you be?  Truth be told, most of us become pickles in this moment.  I challenge us to consider a few things in that short moment before we become “pickled:

  1. If I get pickled, it impacts everyone – I send the pickled kids to school to create an environment to make other pickles out of the bus driver, other children and their teachers! I could be responsible for a whole lot of pickling…
  2. Stay in my cucumber zone – I consider my reaction, stay calm and began the day remembering yes, this is a tough moment, but it doesn’t have to ruin my day — and I don’t have to ruin my children’s day. This is not life or death.  So let’s take a deep breath, recognize that this is a hard moment and deal with it, knowing the moment will pass.

The consistent task of a parent is to stay in the moment and realize the life lesson that you are living out before your children.  Truly, it is all about choices. Do I make the selfish choice and do what I feel like doing or do I consider how my choice may affect others around me, especially my children? No one ever promised it would be easy.  If they did, you were sold a beautiful opportunity of a time share property… on the moon!

My fellow parent(s) – you are doing an amazing job!  Keep it up…your kids are worth it and your relationship with them can only become more amazing! 

Till next time…Dr. D

Your personal parent trainer

Parents are not born…Kids are!

Posted on by Tamara Dickerson, M.D.

Welcome to the moment when you realize…”This is not a test!”  It is real life, on-the-job training.  You, as the parent, can read all the books out there (please avail yourself to the wonderful resources out there- they can be helpful in providing you with options to consider) but remember- your child did not read one page of that book!  Matter of fact, what you might appreciate now is that your child was born with skills that bring out the parenting gift that you didn’t know you had!

The reality is that children are born to parents in infant form (unless adopted- but they still respond the same). They are born with innate skills that allow them to survive.  They have great big ol’ eyes, gummy smiles and bodily functions that impress even the most uptight parent.  Yes, kids are born to survive!

Parents are forged in the daily interactions with these born survivors.  We learn to read sideline cues better than any quarterback.  Like a baseball player, we appreciate the grand slam moments but we learn that most of our games are won one base at a time.  As in basketball, the slam dunk is supreme but doesn’t happen often in the game.  As in hockey and soccer, making a goal puts up points, but a great player knows that is the constant focus and managing the puck and soccer ball that wins the game.  As parents, we are developed in our daily life moments with our children.

So we must keep our eyes and ears open for those moments when we need to adjust our strategies to meet changing needs of our children.  As adults, we have tendencies that we like things to stay constant and the same.  But this is NOT the nature of childhood.  Your child is in a constant state of change.  So be ready!

Remember when you your baby was first born.  You placed him down for a brief moment and when you returned he was in the exact same spot?  Remember the moment when you learned he could move?  Yes…when he rolled off the bed!  Remember when he sputtered and spit at his food on the spoon because he did not know what to do with it?  Remember when you had to do the modified Heimlich maneuver because he was choking on a French fry?  Remember how he used to crawl around on the floor so excited about his new found freedom?  Remember when he ran into the wall because he thought you were chasing him when you were just trying to tie his shoes to keep him from falling?

Do you get it?  They are always changing.  Typically, we as parents are about two months behind their developmental expectation and we are constantly surprised and caught off guard!  This is why we hear ourselves say, “I didn’t know he could do that!”

So how does a parent become more effective?

  1. Stay connected to helpful resources such as parents with older children – those with child-rearing skills you admire. Also, this blog is a helpful tool, too! 🙂
  2. Stay in the moment in your parenting. Respond or react depending on what your child’s behavior requires. In other words, quit trying to do what you want to do while your child needs your attention.  Remember you are the one that is supposed to be molding your child… YOU!  I agree, you are reciprocally challenged to change at times, but by default, you are the one that has been alive the longest. Tag!  You are it!
  3. Consider your atmosphere. Who do you allow your child to spend time with? An old proverb “If you hang out with dogs that have fleas, you gonna get fleas”. Don’t quite get my meaning?  Try this one “Monkey see…Monkey do”!  Both of these mantras imply that as an effective parent; We need to be careful with whom our children spend time, what they are doing (watching on television) and where they are. Still questioning this wisdom? Would you let your child hang out with someone that has Ebola virus?  Why not?  You would be afraid that they might contract that virus, right?  Do you realize that bad behavior is like a virus? It is contagious!  Ask any preschool teacher!  Ask any high school teacher!  Ask any manager in a company!

Don’t get comfortable in your parenting because what you did yesterday is not going to be what you need to do tomorrow!

My fellow parent(s) – you are doing an amazing job!  Keep it up…your kids are worth it and your relationship with them can only become more amazing! 

Till next time…Dr. D, your personal parent trainer