Talkback Tuesday: Dr. D., Why do I have to yell to get my child to listen to me?

Posted on by Tamara Dickerson, M.D.

I will offer advice by asking a series of questions.  Why do you yell at your child?  Is it an emergency? Are they in danger? Is the house on fire? In an emergency, I support yelling, screaming, jumping up and down to get attention. Outside of this, yelling at your child usually is not beneficial, but I understand your frustration.

By the time we are yelling, we have become so emotionally invested in our child’s response that we no longer remember the lesson we are trying to teach, which is:”When I speak, you listen.” This is a difficult lesson to teach, if not reinforced. Here are a few tips:

Look at your child when addressing him or her. This ensures the child is understanding your instructions. If he/she does not, this is an opportunity to clarify with eye-to-eye contact. One key point: For this to work, we, as parents, must keep the focus on the child, not cooking dinner or talking/playing on our technology devices. It’s important for your child to understand this is an expectation, not a request.

Provide directions BEFORE you get into a situation (play date, party, church, etc.) Keep directions simple and relevant to the environment. For example, if your child is old enough to tell time, find a clock or give him/her a watch to know what time you will be leaving the event. If your child is younger, make it clear that when you say it is time to go, there will be a set time (10-20 minutes more) before you leave the function. Once you have made the indication that it is time to go, pack up, get up and move towards the door.  The longer you sit and talk a little more, you send a confusing message that you did not mean what you said.

Remember, kids will be kids! It’s in their nature to try our patience. They are motivated by play and having fun and they NEVER want to stop what they are doing!

 

 

 

 

Help! My child misbehaves in public

Posted on by Tamara Dickerson, M.D.
Dr. D,
My child misbehaves in public.  It’s embarrassing!  What should I do? 
First and foremost, I encourage parents to NEVER parent out of embarrassment.  What other people are thinking should not be the reason as to “how” you respond to your child’s choices.  Remember, your child is the same, rather at home or out in public, he’s the same child…you need to be the same parent.  I recently heard a soccer coach say, “practice makes permanent!”  I love this because it is true, even in parenting.  Whatever you practice at home is what you get to experience in public. So, if your directions at home are not the four C’s – clear, concise and consistent parenting that is able to correct– then your directions will not be the four C’s in public.
Parenting often feels more difficult in public because you think others are judging you. What’s more important? Your relationship with a stranger or your relationship with your child?  Your child, of course.  Always remember, if someone is attempting to judge you, they have either never parented or completely forgotten what it is like.  Either way, don’t let what you think they are thinking prevent you from parenting your child effectively.
So practice clear, concise and consistent parenting that is able to correct at home. The more your child practices acceptable behavior, the more permanent that behavior becomes!  What is an example of the four C’s?  Tell your child something once,  and be prepared that the second time you say it, you will have to show him/her what you mean. It might be necessary to follow through with a consequence if you have to tell or show him/her a third time. If you are clear, concise and consistent in your parenting, you will be able to correct most typical childhood behavior.

Solutions for bedtime dilemmas – Part 1

Posted on by Tamara Dickerson, M.D.
Photo courtesy of GreatInspire
Photo courtesy of GreatInspire

Bedtime challenges can begin as early as your baby’s first night at home.  For the newborn period, I encourage parents to recognize that an infant’s sleep cycle is not like an adults sleep/wake cycle.  They are programmed to sleep during the day and ready for the “party” at night.  There is not a sure fire way to “break” them from this natural sleep rhythm.  There are a few things you can try to help them adapt to a more agreeable schedule by two or four months of age.

  1. An infant will get used to whatever you allow them to experience. If you allow them to fall asleep in your arms or on your chest all the time, then they will adapt and will not fall asleep any other way.
  2. As babies are arriving towards a few weeks old, began putting them down groggy awake, so that when they fall asleep, they will less likely “startle” themselves awake. Always place an infant in their own sleeping space and on the backs – this has been shown to reduce the risk of sudden death in infants. No matter what you have tried or done in the past or what was done to you as an infant, the numbers do not lie!  In this country, we have seen a decrease in infant unexplained deaths since the “back to sleep campaign” was implemented.
  3. Some infants enjoy swaddling – just remember, never swaddle higher than the armpits and NEVER around the face! Rocking is okay, but always ask yourself is it safe to rock your child to sleep and I rock myself to sleep?  The answer is no!
  4. It will not be like this forever! With a few adjustments along the way in our parenting responses, our healthy infants will begin to adapt to new sleep rhythms.  If by four months you are still having a great deal of difficulty, please share your concerns with your child’s primary care provider. They may be able to provide more specific insight and helpful tips.

My fellow parent(s) – you are doing an amazing job!  Keep it up…your kids are worth it and your relationship with them can only become more amazing! 

Till next time…Dr. D

Your personal parent trainer

Five tips to put a meltdown on ice

Posted on by Tamara Dickerson, M.D.
  1. Prevent – It’s a win win for everyone if you can stop a meltdown before it happens. Do this by respecting your child’s sleep schedule/downtime schedule. Don’t overstay a visit or get that last bit of shopping done.
  2. Recognize – Know the cues that a meltdown is on the horizon and respond quickly. Use distraction as a technique. Change environment, present another toy, or even “tap out” and have another adult that you trust take responsibility for your child for a brief moment.
  3. Prepare –  Don’t be the victim of a “surprise attack.” Have a plan in place of how you will handle meltdowns and practice your plan at home. Do not expect your child to know by osmosis or ESP, how to behave in public, let alone to want behave the way you would like him too.
  4. Secure – If the meltdown has already begun…secure your response: No yelling! Move to a more private area if possible, make eye contact with your child, sending a clear message that the action was “unacceptable behavior. Always be ready to walk away from whatever you are trying to do because  your child believes that his or her emotional outburst will “hijack” the situation and you will give in.
  5. Deliver – As the parent, you must be ready and willing to repeat what you are trying to teach. You must stop what you are doing and deliver the message to your child that the behavior is unacceptable. Never make idle threats. Don’t say it if you are not going to back it up. Children will ALWAYS call your bluff. Never engage in this poker game unless you plan on following through! I repeat…no threats. If you say it, you mean it…you do it.