Calming your child is not a race, but a pace

Posted on by Tamara Dickerson, M.D.

panic buttonThe R.A.C.E. acronym is a fire safety response that is taught universally.  The goal is to prompt a similar “knee-jerk” response in everyone to quickly respond to a fire to ensure quick containment of a potentially dangerous situation.  As parents, our initial response to our child’s cry is very similar to how we are trained to respond to a fire.  However, typically we are not responding to a life or death situation.  Although, I admit, sometimes it feels like it!  Responding like this typically benefits your child ONLY for the moment.  The only lesson that you teach in this moment is…”PANIC at all times about everything!”  Here’s how it goes:

Rescue – We go into panic rescue mode as soon as we hear our child cry.  We assume something has to be wrong, otherwise why would they cry?  It is a response based in our biology for survival.

Activate alarm – The first question we ask…”what’s wrong or what happened?”

Contain the fire – We rush around to find a solution to what? Stop the crying…

Extinguish or evacuate – We feel successful when our child has stopped crying. We relax and begin to breathe easier. We won, right!?

So, how do you go beyond containing the problem of the moment to teaching life lessons? It’s not a R.A.C.E. but a P.A.C.E.

Prepare yourself – When we hear our child’s cry, we should intentionally prepare ourselves to respond, not in panic mode, but in a way that will effectively meet our child’s needs.

Adjust your voice – Take a deep breath, lower your voice and slow down your rate of speaking just a little.

Calm yourself – Your child is already upset about something. Should both of you be upset? Take a moment and calm down before you approach your child.

Evaluate the situation – Now in a more prepared fashion, you can see what is causing the “distress” for your child and have a better chance at providing an effective solution that will teach for a lifetime instead of just focusing on stopping the “cry”.

Yes, I know there will be and are situations that require a “super-parenting” effort.  These include when you are sleep deprived and you have a newborn, you have multiples, you are in a quiet place, such as church and your child lets out a banshee wail.  But guess what?  P.A.C.E. still works and the more you practice, the more this will become your new “natural” response.

My fellow parent(s) – you are doing an amazing job!  Keep it up…your kids are worth it and your relationship with them can only become more amazing! 

Till next time…Dr. D

Your personal parent trainer

Why we panic when our child cries?

Posted on by Tamara Dickerson, M.D.

A child crying triggers an inborn alarm system in us as adults.  From newborn to teen years, it’s amazing how tears from our children brings us to our knees and cripples us as parents. In the newborn period, I’ve experienced a Star Trek moment.  While examining a newborn, the child naturally began to cry.  Grandmother and Mom, who initially were calmly giving me room to evaluate the baby… instinctively swooped to the bedside and began speaking in Klingon!  It was an amazing moment for me because I love Star Trek!  I felt like I almost understood them!  However the baby did not…she cried even louder.

Why do we panic at the cry…it’s just a form of communication.

I’ve had distraught parents bring their precious little ones into my office because their baby cries when they lay them down.  Mom is pacing the floor bouncing the baby.  She is distraught and so tired that her eyeballs are sagging to her knees!  The father is sitting in the chair looking dejected, tired and like a deer caught in the headlights because everything he has suggested or tried is not right!  Or so he has been informed by the overtired Mom.  And then there’s my real patient, the baby who is being bounced like a puppet who has lost his strings, to console him…when in fact the bouncing is probably making him feel  worse…

Why do we panic at the cry…it’s just a form of communication.

In this rest of this month, I will share parenting scenarios and solutions to help coach you in interpreting and addressing the cries of your children a little bit differently.  I hope to lighten the mood a little while giving you practical tips to make navigating this parenting journey with just a little more joy and little more effectiveness!  Stay tuned…

By the way, in the first scenario, I just smiled to myself, calmly shared with Grandmother and Mom that I needed to hear through my stethoscope…they apologized and became quiet.”  I finished my exam, wrapped the baby up and she stopped crying.

In this second scenario I responded to the parents’ concerns with a lot of reassurance, asked about their support system and gently placed my hand on Mom’s arms to stop her from shaking the child.  Smiling, I ask “Who’s holding the baby all the time?” They both look at one another and then back at me, smiling and desperate.  I began my discussion on why newborns cry and ultimately end in…”Babies will get used to whatever we allow them to get used to.  If they are used to falling asleep in someone’s arms and you go to put them down, they will startle themselves awake.  Place them in their safe sleeping space when they are sleepy but awake”.  I encouraged them to not panic just because their baby is crying…it’s just another form of communication…matter of fact, it’s a newborn’s only way of communicating.

My fellow parent(s) – you are doing an amazing job!  Keep it up…your kids are worth it and your relationship with them can only become more amazing! 

Till next time…Dr. D

Your personal parent trainer

Join us in May for a monthlong discussion about responding to your child’s cry

Posted on by Tamara Dickerson, M.D.

What is your response to your child’s cry? Whether you’re raising a newborn or teen-ager, every child has a cry. It could be tears, screams, tantrums or other attention-seeking behaviors. During the month of May, we will discuss how our response to those cries can lead to confident children who feel loved and HEARD while maintaining balance for the whole family!

I’ll be writing about this issue AND ANSWERING YOUR QUESTIONS. Please submit a question on my Facebook page (click here) or in the comment section of this blog post about challenges you have with your child’s cry. Your question could be featured this month on my Facebook page or blog.

Parenting is a journey and it takes a village to not only raise our children, but keep parents encouraged and empowered to overcome the day-to-day challenges of this amazing gifts we have been given.

I am excited about this month’s dialogue and look forward to growing with you on this parenting journey.

 

We are refiners

Posted on by Tamara Dickerson, M.D.

Welcome to your amazing opportunity to change the World!  Growing up you might have thought or dreamed about how you would change the world.  You wanted to make a difference, even if it was a small difference.  Then life came at you… work or school (maybe both at the same time), relationships – or the desire for one – taxes and bills…you get the picture.  Your dreams may have gotten derailed, deferred, or just plain denied.

Then all of a sudden, before you could catch your breath…you became, gulp, a parent!  Then began the crying, the feeding, the changing, the late nights not sleeping, the buying and the worrying!  Has it felt a little challenging?  Maybe even a little overwhelming?  Welcome to the club!!  Parenting is not a joke or a convenient hobby.  It is real-life work!  It is an every moment commitment to the child/children that you promised to care for not because you made a vow, but because you chose to have/adopt this amazing opportunity.

So parent, when you accepted this amazing opportunity you joined the ranks of the REFINERS.  A refiner is a worker who has acquired a specific skill as a trained worker.  A definition of refine, according to Free Dictionary by Farlax is to free from coarse, unsuitable, or immoral characteristics.  As parent, it is our responsibility to actively apply the right pressure, at the right time, for the right outcome to occur in our child’s life.  Our children are not born refined.

So how does this refining process occur?  Amazing question! With absolutely perfect timing!  You just can’t sit and watch it happen.  Your child will not learn by osmosis.  As a matter of fact, initially your child will not learn acceptable behavior by pure observation.  They will learn skills by observation, but not acceptable behavior.  Acceptable behavior is learned when a behavior has occurred and your reaction to that behavior either reinforces it or changes it.  You can’t just sit and watch your child- you have to do something.  Without the right pressure at the right time in the right place a diamond just stays a rock. So if you want to raise a rock…do nothing!  However if you want to see your child become that amazing diamond in his own brilliance, you must become a refiner!

It is not our job to destroy or make a child become something, but it is our responsibility to provide an atmosphere of a refining. To create and sustain an environment where your child can experience life safely and securely.  A place not of perfection, but a perfect place where trying is applauded, celebrated and do-overs are offered freely!  So, this is an all call for anyone willing to become a Refiner… are you answering this call?

My fellow parent(s) – you are doing an amazing job!  Keep it up…your kids are worth it and your relationship with them can only become more amazing! 

Till next time…Dr. D

Your personal parent trainer