Tag: parent tips

Talkback Tuesday: How can I know if I am allowing my child to talk back too much?

Posted on by Tamara Dickerson, M.D.

Here are some pointers from an Empowering Parents newsletter to help determine if there is too much verbal volley occurring between you and your child.  It begins with a challenging premise that the root of most parent/child power struggle is your child learning how to advocate for himself.  The following excerpt made me pause…

 “For starters, a bold, assertive personality is often characteristic of a successful leader. As kids grow older and learn how to negotiate effectively, they become better prepared for adulthood. Skills like speaking up, debating and standing up for yourself can all lead to a rewarding career path.

Remember, your goal isn’t to make power struggles go away or change your child’s personality; your goal is to teach your child the skills they need to be successful. Kids need to learn how to have power struggles in a way that’s not a personal attack —- that means it’s up to parents to teach the skills to negotiate constructively, and to set limits as needed.” (Denise R., Empowering Parents Coach)

So, my fellow parents we must improve our negotiation skills to promote construction instead of destruction. Remember that our words should NOT cause an “emotional blood shed”.  We should not resurrect past failures in order to use present humiliation as a learning tool.  Always look for the “educable moments” to turn unfavorable choices into learning opportunities.  Always remember: Your child is watching you while listening to you. Make sure the lesson that you are living represents the lesson that you are trying to teach.

This parenting opportunity is an opportunity of a lifetime!

Dr. D…

Why we panic when our child cries?

Posted on by Tamara Dickerson, M.D.

A child crying triggers an inborn alarm system in us as adults.  From newborn to teen years, it’s amazing how tears from our children brings us to our knees and cripples us as parents. In the newborn period, I’ve experienced a Star Trek moment.  While examining a newborn, the child naturally began to cry.  Grandmother and Mom, who initially were calmly giving me room to evaluate the baby… instinctively swooped to the bedside and began speaking in Klingon!  It was an amazing moment for me because I love Star Trek!  I felt like I almost understood them!  However the baby did not…she cried even louder.

Why do we panic at the cry…it’s just a form of communication.

I’ve had distraught parents bring their precious little ones into my office because their baby cries when they lay them down.  Mom is pacing the floor bouncing the baby.  She is distraught and so tired that her eyeballs are sagging to her knees!  The father is sitting in the chair looking dejected, tired and like a deer caught in the headlights because everything he has suggested or tried is not right!  Or so he has been informed by the overtired Mom.  And then there’s my real patient, the baby who is being bounced like a puppet who has lost his strings, to console him…when in fact the bouncing is probably making him feel  worse…

Why do we panic at the cry…it’s just a form of communication.

In this rest of this month, I will share parenting scenarios and solutions to help coach you in interpreting and addressing the cries of your children a little bit differently.  I hope to lighten the mood a little while giving you practical tips to make navigating this parenting journey with just a little more joy and little more effectiveness!  Stay tuned…

By the way, in the first scenario, I just smiled to myself, calmly shared with Grandmother and Mom that I needed to hear through my stethoscope…they apologized and became quiet.”  I finished my exam, wrapped the baby up and she stopped crying.

In this second scenario I responded to the parents’ concerns with a lot of reassurance, asked about their support system and gently placed my hand on Mom’s arms to stop her from shaking the child.  Smiling, I ask “Who’s holding the baby all the time?” They both look at one another and then back at me, smiling and desperate.  I began my discussion on why newborns cry and ultimately end in…”Babies will get used to whatever we allow them to get used to.  If they are used to falling asleep in someone’s arms and you go to put them down, they will startle themselves awake.  Place them in their safe sleeping space when they are sleepy but awake”.  I encouraged them to not panic just because their baby is crying…it’s just another form of communication…matter of fact, it’s a newborn’s only way of communicating.

My fellow parent(s) – you are doing an amazing job!  Keep it up…your kids are worth it and your relationship with them can only become more amazing! 

Till next time…Dr. D

Your personal parent trainer

Voting Rights…Not until the age of 18!

Posted on by Tamara Dickerson, M.D.

Ever wonder why the voting age in the United States is 18? From a parenting perspective, it is simple: Your child, no matter how brilliant you think he or she is, makes decisions based on his or her personal greater good.

Children will not take into account what is good for the family, let alone what will work well for you, the parent. Decision-making skills are learned and earned. Children aren’t born with good skills. They are born with an uncanny ability to survive and thrive – with your help, of course!  They are born with one-sided negotiations skills. Don’t believe me?  Let’s travel down memory lane…

You got home with that beautiful bundle of joy, he was soooo quiet and good in the hospital. All of sudden a cute whimper has turned into a banshee wail! You have tried everything. Feeding him, changing him, taking his clothes off, putting his clothes back on! You’ve played pass the baby, rock the baby, did a dance that you just made up! Why? Because your baby was crying and you wanted/needed him to stop. You begin to feel like a failure. Minutes later, a loud explosive vibratory burp from his bottom!! He smiles that angelic smile that is between him and the angels that says “I did it!” and falls asleep. You never imagined that you would be turned upside down and inside out like this and begin to realize…this is only the beginning.

If you have found yourself in the situation that you have given your child their voting cards and privileges too soon, how do you take it back?

One option is to destroy the card and never give it back! It’s a little drastic, but effective. I encourage a calmer approach. Take the voting card away and teach your child how to make better choices. Choices help govern consequences. How can we as parents expect a child to know something if we haven’t taught them?  Many of us struggle with decision making, so how do we teach our children to become skilled decision makers?

It begins by providing age-appropriate choosing opportunities. Give your children choices but with age-appropriate boundaries. “Do A or not to do A” is a great place to start.

Have you ever wondered why you feel like your child is leading your home and you are just the hired helped (i.e. babysitter)?   Parenting is all about options. If you want a different behavior than what you are experiencing currently from your child, then you have to try another parenting option.  You, as the parent, should provide direction for your children…setting up road blocks and detours as needed for your family to stay on course.  My mantra: Children have a right to their opinion, but you can’t vote in this country till you are 18!

So, getting back to “Do A or not to do A,” each option has a consequence.  Do A and the consequence is celebration and peace. Not to do A and someone will be uncomfortable, preferably, parents – this should be your child not you.

As children get older and better at making choices and considering consequences, more options can be given. Keep the following in mind when giving options to your children:

  • KISS- Keep It Simple, Silly! This especially applies to children ages 1-4. The more choices you give this age group, the more challenges, the more frustration and the more chaos everyone experiences. Have you tried having a rational conversation with a 2-year-old?  It’s like talking on the phone to someone and the mute button is on – but you don’t know it!
  • Talk/Teach decision making skills, specifically with older children in your family. If teens are not making the decisions that make you feel comfortable, how about making them uncomfortable by taking some of their options away? Teenagers are not motivated by consequences and outcomes, thus the bravado “It’s not going to happen to me!” Talk through everyday scenarios and options that are available. Show them how to choose options that will lead to the more desired consequences. Until they show more competence in better decision making, they have less freedom to make decisions.

Put the work in, parent. You will be glad you did!

My fellow parent(s) – you are doing an amazing job!  Keep it up…your kids are worth it and your relationship with them can only become more amazing! 

Till next time…Dr. D

Your personal parent trainer